Friday, June 25, 2010

Dig Deeper

*I do not know what metaphor to stick to; I am a mixed metaphor myself, consistency is one thing you cannot really expect of me. I'm a Scorpio: intense, jealous, passionate, emotional, and sarcastic. If you knew the personality of a Scorpio, you'd be smart to stay away. If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
*With my tongue, I transport the head and the bitter taste of the coffee slowly around my mouth, looking out the window into the distance. I needed to be pushed outside of my comfort zone.  I needed to be scared shitless, otherwise what is the point in life? No place is boring, if you've had a good night's sleep and have a pocket full of unexposed film.
*There is a kind of thinking without thinkers.  Matter thinks.  Language thinks. I can't stop.  I get them mixed up. I think in Chifrencglish. I'm trying to spit it out but it's jumbled. "Je parle ."  No, No. I'm sure the professor is thinking, "What the hell is she even saying this is French 302." For this messy situation, the only answer was to combine the two tried-and-true methods.
*History is only a haphazard hopscotch through other present moments.  Who cares what happened a hundred years ago?  Stupid scan-trons.  My 8th grade History teacher was fucking evil.  After every test, the scan-tron machine was wheeled in…the screechy wheels of hell.  In front of the entire class the papers would slide through one by one. Buzzzzzz zip zip zip zip zipppppp buzz… "Natalie, come see me after class."  Shit. Opinions that are derogatory, attack other users, offer unsubstantiated facts or are offensive in nature will be removed.
               *Through art, one could even breed misfits and transform them into a new species. "Just put your charcoal pencil to the paper, it will happen."  Yeah, sure.  You sound so stupid right now.  "Look at the picture, it will speak to you."  With doubt in my mind, my hand swiped the paper rapidly. Sitting around and waiting for action?
*The day was gray, and a constant moisture hung in the air, agitating occasionally into a light rain. The smell of Chengdu hot pot was attacking my cilia.  I knew it would be a random day.  Yes, I have large breasts compared to the stick figured Chinese women, but get over it.  Okay…I tried. I am still trying.  I’m trying to be gracious in the face of adversity. I’m trying to be calm in the storm.
*I find her appetite enormous, for food and for experience; it surpasses mine, and so I (would-be parent) find my child leading me in pursuit of the pleasures of knowledge and the knowledge of pleasures I had not imagined. Each one shouting at the same time about what happened on their vacation. I wish I could go back to that age.  That means our life would still be somewhat up in the air--I'm getting a little tired of that.
*Our sense of who we are is mostly made up of what we remember being.  We are who we were; we are made up of memories. "Dig deeper," she screamed at me. I closed my eyes and started searching my brain for what she wanted, but nothing was there. In like five years or 10 years, we'll have a much better spective on what happened and what's happening, and then we'll give much better interviews. Right now, I don't know what to say except I can't believe it.
* Red hair, suddenly out of a clear blond lineage.  He came rushing out of her birth canal, and was tossed onto her chest.  A blonde hair blue eyed boy came from two dark brown haired, chocolate brown-eyed parents. DNA can't do it alone - but neither can following a paper trail.
*If you want to see the whole, you will have to sew me together yourself.  I'm not going to tell you anything unless it's been a while.  Why should I?  Just so you can take my deepest secrets to someone else.  How do I trust you when it's only been one week?  Stop prying, I'm not doing that to you. I threw the door open; it slammed against the wall with a bang.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Real Or Not?


She and Me

"Thas the alphabet.  Twenty-six letters in all. 
Them letters make up words.  Them words everything."

P is for Precious,
Pain to describe me.
R is for Race,
Ridiculous I can be.

E is for Escape for her,
Emotions run my life.
Can, can, can, she says,
Cannot because of strife.

I for inferior,
Independent I can be.
O so outrageous,
Original you may see.

U for ugliness,
Unique I wish I were.
Sssssssassy she is,
Spontaneity is the cure.

These letters form words,
These words tell a tale.
These letters mean something,
No, we won't fail. 

Two different people,
Struggling to find our way.
Yet we are one in the same,
Beat the odds we may.

We can change who we are,
We can change how we see.
Stop telling us no,
We can be what we want to be. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conflicted Mind

Anger, Confusion, Questions, Lies,
My head is spinning to figure out why.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Torture, Rape, sick to my stomach.
Fat, Ugly, Wreaking havoc.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Furious, Aggravated, Confused and Depressed.
Nauseating, Disgusting, describing the incest.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Forget it, Forget it, I am in a far away place.
Forget it, Forget it, I wish I could escape.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Skinny, Perfect, Beautiful and Free,
That's really how my life should be.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Smart, Literate, Famous and Pretty,
Someday I will be and depart this city.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Change it, Change it, I'm doing my best,
Get out, get out, get it off of my chest.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Low-income, Welfare, Baby and School,
You will see that I'm not a fool.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

This man, my father, sick in the head,
Have sex with him, I'd rather be dead.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Help me, Help me, this is so fucked up,
Everyone at school thinks that I'm a slut.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Too young, Too young, Too young to quit,
On all of the negative things I spit.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Let me finish, I will learn to read,
If you kick me out now, my heart will bleed.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

A better future for my kids you see,
That's all that I hope will be.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Questions of who their daddy was,
This creates a shame buzz.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

Go to school, my life will be great,
Who knows, someday I may even find my soul mate.
Why would this happen to me?
Why can't anyone see?

No one could see, because I didn't deal,
I couldn't even believe it was real.
This happened to me, that's all there is to it,
Someday I will think my life will fit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Perfect…Or Not


            I'm crusin' in my Mercedes Benz convertible.  I'm lookin' at myself in the rearview mirror thinkin' I have it good.  Life is good.  My long, loosely curled blonde hair flyin' in the wind, I puker my lips and smooch the air.  These bad ass vintage sunglasses look hot on me.  Damn I'm beautiful.  What to do next?  Buy me a hot bathing suit to make all the boys jealous.  My perfect, white body like a supermodel's.  I'll just take momma's credit card to Cross Creek.  Buy all the shit I want.  Maybe my boyfriend will come with me, he likes to spoil me.  Maybe he'll get me some nice jewelry and take me for a romantic dinner.  He plays in the NBA.  Tall, handsome, sexy.  We are perfect together.  People stare as we walk holding hands.  The people, they notice me.  They come up for my autograph when we sit at dinner.  That's what you get when you are a famous singer these days.  People get all crazy, but I love it.  I love the attention, it makes me more money.  I love my huge house.  Right on the ocean, I have my own private beach.   I try out my new sexy suit.  Looks hot on me, of course.  I see people takin' pictures of me again.  I do some sexy poses for them.  Sure I'll see it in the news later.  Momma calls, says she misses me.  I go to visit my parents, they live in a mansion in Bel Air.  That's near Hollywood.  Momma sees me pull up and gives me a huge ass hug.  Like she hasn't seen me for years.  It's been three days.  I walk in the house and inhale an amazing smell.  Daddy's been makin' fried chicken, my favorite.  
            If only…
I hate myself.  I'm fat and ugly. Constantly feeling useless, having no money, barely makin' it.  All the people in my building are black.  I hear screams in the night.  Barely any room to move, my room so tiny.  I think that's how it's supposed to be.  I wonder every day if other people from my class are forced to have sex with their father.  Is it normal?  Am I supposed to feel good or be disgusted?  My gut is telling me this is wrong, but maybe it's not wrong.  Maybe that’s just the way it is.  I don't like it.  It hurts.  He's mean to me.  No.  It is not right.  I had two babies, not with someone that I love like how it's supposed to be.  With my gross father.  People don't wanna know.  I don't wanna know.  I want to forget.  Push forward.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Franglais



It was an unbelievable type of hot in Mesa, Arizona.  It was my first time visiting my grandmother, a woman who I only talked to on the phone until this visit.  I was twelve years old and was a shy girl.  I often eavesdropped as her and my mother spoke fluent French to each other on the phone, only picking up certain key words. 
I was hunched over my Cheerios and glanced over at my grandmother.  Silence filled the room as I watched her slowly scrub each item in the sink with a dishtowel thrown over her shoulder.  She was tall and gangly with wrinkles down her arms.  Her frumpy olive green dress fell just below her knees, and she was standing barefoot.  Screaming red and scabby blisters lined her heels.  Her short, tight, blond curls wouldn't budge no matter what.  As I ate my last spoonful of cereal at the small round table adorned with a teal and yellow floral tablecloth, I finally got the courage to speak.
Gulp. "Grandmère?"
            She lifted up her head, but didn't turn.  "Yes, Natalie?"
            "What was Grandpère like?  Maman doesn't talk about him because it makes her sad.  Maman est triste touts le temps."
            A wave of fear passed over me.  This French woman who claimed to be my grandmother took a deep breath, held it, and slowly let it go.  She turned to me, still holding a wooden spoon from the sink, and dropped her head. After what seemed like an hour, she lifted her head, and her bright green eyes connected with my dark, chocolate brown eyes.  The eyes startled me, she looked mean. 
            "Grandpère était un homme beau!  Qulequ'un qui aime beaucoup ses enfants, et il était mystérieux."
            "Mais Grandmère, je ne comprends pas!  En Anglais sil vous plait?"
            "Grandpère was a handsome man.  Someone who really loved his children and he was mysterious.  Did you know Natalie, that grandpère was 14 years older than me?" she said in a soft and sweet tone.
            My mouth dropped.  I wasn't expecting her to be nice.   "14 years older? Was he your father's friend? What do you mean he was mysterious?"
            She got up and rummaged through a tall oak cabinet in the hallway and sat back down. 
            "Ici.  C'est un photo de ton grandpère.  Do you see the uniform that he is wearing?"
            "Yes, he was in the Army…en France?"
            "Non, he was in the US Army.  He often came over on boats when he was needed.  Grand bateaux.  Ton grandpère, he fixed airplanes and even was a spy!"
            I couldn't believe my ears.  My grandfather was amazing, even better, ma grandmère était merveilleux!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Gotta Get Back To....

GoAnimate.com: The Way I Was by Natalie Hall

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Monday, June 7, 2010

Hello!


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